I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
