Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
