I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
