I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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