I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
