She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
