3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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