JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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