I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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