I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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