I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
