meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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