So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Randomize
