Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
worst night to have a conscience
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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