your parents love me but you hate me
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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