You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just found puke in my bra..
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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