apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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