She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
