And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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