you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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