I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize