he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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