Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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