I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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