did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
These tits shall not be calmed
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
