if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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