Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize