I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
