u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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