I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We have so much sex to catch up on
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
