70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
