I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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