i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i dont even know how to be here
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
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