i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
