it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I forgot how hot balto sounded
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
