I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
