well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
whose parrot is this?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
