i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
