guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I cockslap morals
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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