How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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