The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
