Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
