so that wasnt chicken after all
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
