Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
