11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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