Cold hands, warm shart.
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Randomize
