I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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