my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
