its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Floor bacon is actually really good
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