Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
