Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
