do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You were trust falling into bushes
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
