my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
