my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
