Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
