I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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