my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
