My boss' voice literally gives me gas
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you didnt know i had herpes?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
