Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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