this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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