do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
