The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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