Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
