First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize