Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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