Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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